I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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