final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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