so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I looked at my own cervix.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
