Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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