I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
