so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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