At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
