watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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