How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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