I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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