I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
