I'm pants shitting drunk right now
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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