Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
