i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He better not be in your backpack
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
