You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
