Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
