Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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