pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
