i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
