College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
