I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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