We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
