I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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