Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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