Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
