just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
