Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
