I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
