My liver just broke up with me...
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
