i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
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