if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
