So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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