Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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