Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
