I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
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