Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
