Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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