just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
