If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
