Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
sex in a hospital.. check
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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