Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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