it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
