If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize