I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize