Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
