Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
