About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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