i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
