Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
