Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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