Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Who died my cat blue again?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
