I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
